A change dammit :P
category: general [glöplog]
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her
second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an
airplane that crashed . They're up in Heaven, and
God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses
Al first .
"Al, what do you believe in ?"
Al replies ,"Well, I believe that the combustion
engine is evil and that we need to save the world from
CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole
earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die ."God
thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with
that. Come and sit at my left ."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you
believe in ?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the
people. I think people should be able to make their
own choices about things and that no one should ever
be able to tell someone else what to do. I also
believe in feeling people's pain ."God thinks for a
few seconds and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come
and sit at my right ."
God then address Bill Gates . "Bill Gates, what do you
believe ?"
Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
Bill Gates is making love to his wife when she says to
him : "Darling, I don't enjoy this!"
He replies : "Cancel, Retry, Ignore or Quit?"
There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed his desire to become a great writer. When
asked to define "great" he said ," I want to write
stuff that the whole world will read , stuff that
people will react to on a truly emotional level ,
stuff that will make them scream , cry, howl in pain
and anger !"
He now works for Microsoft , writing error messages.
Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the pearly gates.
St Peter : Well , you've got a choice . Have a look
around here . Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has
to offer . Check us out , and then let me know your
decision . Bill has a look around heaven . Lots's of
sombre people singing hymns , praising the Lord (and
probably writing AdA ) . He goes down to Hell . There
are beautiful beaches , lots of sun , sand ,
attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic ) . Long
cool drinks that never get you drunk . He loves it .
He goes back to St Peter .
Gates : Look , I know you're really doing good things
here , but Hell seems more with it . More my kind of
scene , you know what I mean ? No hard feelings , but
I pick Hell .
St Peter : No worries . You've got it .
Bill finds himself back in Hell , neck deep in fire
and brimstone , suffering eternal torment . He can't
work it out .
Gates : Hey ! St Peter ! Where are the beautiful girls
and long beaches and cool drinks ?
St Peter : Sorry if you got confused , that was just
the demo version .
second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an
airplane that crashed . They're up in Heaven, and
God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses
Al first .
"Al, what do you believe in ?"
Al replies ,"Well, I believe that the combustion
engine is evil and that we need to save the world from
CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole
earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die ."God
thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with
that. Come and sit at my left ."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you
believe in ?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the
people. I think people should be able to make their
own choices about things and that no one should ever
be able to tell someone else what to do. I also
believe in feeling people's pain ."God thinks for a
few seconds and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come
and sit at my right ."
God then address Bill Gates . "Bill Gates, what do you
believe ?"
Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
Bill Gates is making love to his wife when she says to
him : "Darling, I don't enjoy this!"
He replies : "Cancel, Retry, Ignore or Quit?"
There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed his desire to become a great writer. When
asked to define "great" he said ," I want to write
stuff that the whole world will read , stuff that
people will react to on a truly emotional level ,
stuff that will make them scream , cry, howl in pain
and anger !"
He now works for Microsoft , writing error messages.
Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the pearly gates.
St Peter : Well , you've got a choice . Have a look
around here . Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has
to offer . Check us out , and then let me know your
decision . Bill has a look around heaven . Lots's of
sombre people singing hymns , praising the Lord (and
probably writing AdA ) . He goes down to Hell . There
are beautiful beaches , lots of sun , sand ,
attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic ) . Long
cool drinks that never get you drunk . He loves it .
He goes back to St Peter .
Gates : Look , I know you're really doing good things
here , but Hell seems more with it . More my kind of
scene , you know what I mean ? No hard feelings , but
I pick Hell .
St Peter : No worries . You've got it .
Bill finds himself back in Hell , neck deep in fire
and brimstone , suffering eternal torment . He can't
work it out .
Gates : Hey ! St Peter ! Where are the beautiful girls
and long beaches and cool drinks ?
St Peter : Sorry if you got confused , that was just
the demo version .
A first standard teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry
answered, "I'm too smart for the first standard. My sister is in the
third standard and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third standard too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to
the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his > questions he was to go back to the first
standard and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and
the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal:
"What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every
question the principal thought a third standard should know. The
principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the third standard." The teacher says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in
your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal
wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied,
"Pockets." Now no reactions or special face symbols on Harry's
face. He was so cool! Teacher: "What does a dog do
that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Teacher: What's
starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid ? Harry: Coconut The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then
comes out soft and sticky ? Harry: Bubblegum Teacher:
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do
on three legs? Harry: Shake hands Teacher: What is that a
woman has two and a cow has four ? The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop; Harry replies: legs
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, answer me.
Harry: Yep. Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first. Principal was
looking restless and bit tensed. Harry: wedding ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good. Harry: nose Teacher: I have a
stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of excitement? Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth standard, I missed the last ten questions myself."
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry
answered, "I'm too smart for the first standard. My sister is in the
third standard and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third standard too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to
the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his > questions he was to go back to the first
standard and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and
the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal:
"What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every
question the principal thought a third standard should know. The
principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the third standard." The teacher says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in
your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal
wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied,
"Pockets." Now no reactions or special face symbols on Harry's
face. He was so cool! Teacher: "What does a dog do
that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Teacher: What's
starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid ? Harry: Coconut The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then
comes out soft and sticky ? Harry: Bubblegum Teacher:
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do
on three legs? Harry: Shake hands Teacher: What is that a
woman has two and a cow has four ? The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop; Harry replies: legs
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, answer me.
Harry: Yep. Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first. Principal was
looking restless and bit tensed. Harry: wedding ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good. Harry: nose Teacher: I have a
stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of excitement? Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth standard, I missed the last ten questions myself."
I didn't make those up so dont flame me :P
Zabu451: Hello from America Online! I'm sorry to inform you that there has been an error in the I/O section of your account database, and this server's password information has been temporarily destroyed. We need you, the AOL user, to hit reply and type in your password. Thank you for your
help.
Newfpyr: Hello! This is Server Manager #563. I'm sorry to hear that your server has lost the password info. I mean, this has been happening too much lately. We have developed some solutions to this problem. Have you got the mail sent out to all server managers?
Zabu451: no
NewfPyr: Really? Ouch. There's been some problems with the server mailer lately. Oh, well. Here's a solution to this problem: try connecting your backup database to your main I/O port, then accessing the system restart.
Zabu451: no i still need passwords
NewfPyr: I see. Do you want me to send you the list of all the passwords of all the screen names of your server?
Zabu451: ya i want that
NewfPyr: Let me get the server manager to send it...
NewfPyr: He says I need your server manager password. Could you please type it in?
Zabu451: i dont have one
NewfPyr: What do you mean? That's the first thing every manager gets!
Zabu451: it got deleted
NewfPyr: Wow! You must be having a lot of trouble. Let me find out what server you're using...
[Note: I checked his profile. It said he was from Springfield, Mass.]
NewfPyr: Okay, your number has been tracked to an area in Springfield, Mass.
Zabu451: how did u know?!!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!!
NewfPyr: I used Server Tracker 5.0 . Don't you have it?
Zabu451: do you know my address!?!?!?!!?!?
NewfPyr: Of course not.
Zabu451: good
NewfPyr: I only know the number you're calling AOL from, which is from your server, right?
Zabu451: yes
NewfPyr: Good. Okay, now that we have your number, we have your address, and we are sending a repair team over there.
Zabu451: nonononono dont stop them now
NewfPyr: Why? Isn't your server down?
Zabu451: nonono its working now
NewfPyr: They’re still coming, just in case.
Zabu451: STOP THEM NOW
NewfPyr: I can't break AOL Policy.
Zabu451: POEPLE ARE COMING TO MY HOUSE?!?!?!?!??
NewfPyr: No! To your server. You know, where you're calling AOL from.
Zabu451: im calling from my house
NewfPyr: But you said you where calling from the server!
Zabu451: i lied im not reely a server guy
NewfPyr: But you said you were!
Zabu451: i lied i trying to get passwords please make them stop
NewfPyr: Okay. The repair team isn't coming anymore.
Zabu451: good
NewfPyr: But a team of FBI agents is.
Zabu451: NONONONO
Zabu451: im sorry
Zabu451: ill never do it again please make them not come
Zabu451: PLEASE IL STOP ASKING FOR PASSWORDS FOREVER PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!!
NewfPyr: I’m sorry, I can't do that. They should be at your house in 5 minutes.
Zabu451: IM SORRY IL DO ANYTHING PLEASE I DONT WANT THEM TO HURT ME
Zabu451: PLEASE
Zabu451: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSE
NewfPyr: They won't hurt you! You'll probably only spend a year of prison.
Zabu451: no IM ONLY A KID
NewfPyr: You are? That makes it different. You won’t go to prison for a year.
Zabu451: i thout so
NewfPyr: You’ll go for two years.
Zabu451: No! IM SORRY
Zabu451: PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP
Zabu451: PLEASE
[I thought this was enough. He was probably wetting his pants.]
NewfPyr: Since this was a first time offense, I think I can drop charges.
Zabu451: yea
Zabu451: thankyouthankyouthankyou
NewfPyr: The FBI agents have been withdrawn. If you ever do it again, we'll bump you off.
Zabu451: i wont im sorry goodbye
[He promptly signed off.]
----end----
help.
Newfpyr: Hello! This is Server Manager #563. I'm sorry to hear that your server has lost the password info. I mean, this has been happening too much lately. We have developed some solutions to this problem. Have you got the mail sent out to all server managers?
Zabu451: no
NewfPyr: Really? Ouch. There's been some problems with the server mailer lately. Oh, well. Here's a solution to this problem: try connecting your backup database to your main I/O port, then accessing the system restart.
Zabu451: no i still need passwords
NewfPyr: I see. Do you want me to send you the list of all the passwords of all the screen names of your server?
Zabu451: ya i want that
NewfPyr: Let me get the server manager to send it...
NewfPyr: He says I need your server manager password. Could you please type it in?
Zabu451: i dont have one
NewfPyr: What do you mean? That's the first thing every manager gets!
Zabu451: it got deleted
NewfPyr: Wow! You must be having a lot of trouble. Let me find out what server you're using...
[Note: I checked his profile. It said he was from Springfield, Mass.]
NewfPyr: Okay, your number has been tracked to an area in Springfield, Mass.
Zabu451: how did u know?!!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!!
NewfPyr: I used Server Tracker 5.0 . Don't you have it?
Zabu451: do you know my address!?!?!?!!?!?
NewfPyr: Of course not.
Zabu451: good
NewfPyr: I only know the number you're calling AOL from, which is from your server, right?
Zabu451: yes
NewfPyr: Good. Okay, now that we have your number, we have your address, and we are sending a repair team over there.
Zabu451: nonononono dont stop them now
NewfPyr: Why? Isn't your server down?
Zabu451: nonono its working now
NewfPyr: They’re still coming, just in case.
Zabu451: STOP THEM NOW
NewfPyr: I can't break AOL Policy.
Zabu451: POEPLE ARE COMING TO MY HOUSE?!?!?!?!??
NewfPyr: No! To your server. You know, where you're calling AOL from.
Zabu451: im calling from my house
NewfPyr: But you said you where calling from the server!
Zabu451: i lied im not reely a server guy
NewfPyr: But you said you were!
Zabu451: i lied i trying to get passwords please make them stop
NewfPyr: Okay. The repair team isn't coming anymore.
Zabu451: good
NewfPyr: But a team of FBI agents is.
Zabu451: NONONONO
Zabu451: im sorry
Zabu451: ill never do it again please make them not come
Zabu451: PLEASE IL STOP ASKING FOR PASSWORDS FOREVER PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!!
NewfPyr: I’m sorry, I can't do that. They should be at your house in 5 minutes.
Zabu451: IM SORRY IL DO ANYTHING PLEASE I DONT WANT THEM TO HURT ME
Zabu451: PLEASE
Zabu451: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSE
NewfPyr: They won't hurt you! You'll probably only spend a year of prison.
Zabu451: no IM ONLY A KID
NewfPyr: You are? That makes it different. You won’t go to prison for a year.
Zabu451: i thout so
NewfPyr: You’ll go for two years.
Zabu451: No! IM SORRY
Zabu451: PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP
Zabu451: PLEASE
[I thought this was enough. He was probably wetting his pants.]
NewfPyr: Since this was a first time offense, I think I can drop charges.
Zabu451: yea
Zabu451: thankyouthankyouthankyou
NewfPyr: The FBI agents have been withdrawn. If you ever do it again, we'll bump you off.
Zabu451: i wont im sorry goodbye
[He promptly signed off.]
----end----
holy shit... is that a joke or is it real? i have to show that to my dad!!!!
BTW: i am using the AOL sevice. I think its very easy, and very user frendly. The help is greate, since im an idiot who needs help using the easy-to-use AOL. No wonder its #1. :) Hey, the gay buddy list that pops up every time is super duper!!! Did you know that AOL is so user frinedly, that thay include a CD player thing and 'ask' you to download the shit every time i start AOL. Aol is ggggggreate. The free CDs thay send me... i lovve them!!! I get the free updates automaticaly that only take the whole day to download. The web browser is aloso super-duper, eaven better than ie.
"Youve got penis"
BTW: i am using the AOL sevice. I think its very easy, and very user frendly. The help is greate, since im an idiot who needs help using the easy-to-use AOL. No wonder its #1. :) Hey, the gay buddy list that pops up every time is super duper!!! Did you know that AOL is so user frinedly, that thay include a CD player thing and 'ask' you to download the shit every time i start AOL. Aol is ggggggreate. The free CDs thay send me... i lovve them!!! I get the free updates automaticaly that only take the whole day to download. The web browser is aloso super-duper, eaven better than ie.
"Youve got penis"
